oh, the possibilities

Brandon and I got back from Steamboat today. Possibly the best 3 day vacation ever. Opener was a glorious morning in 16 inches of freshies at Copper. Followed by an afternoon wasting time in Silverthorne while waiting for Rabbit Ears to open. An incredible B&B. Some nice cross country skiing. A fantastic afternoon soaking in the hot springs. A nice, romantic evening in Steamboat. A really, really good trip.

I got back and went to take care of some paperwork with the school of public health. The Dean just casually mentioned the MD/MPH program starting in the fall. This started a cascade thinking that just might lead back to medical school. Recently things have become much sharper. Its like all of a sudden a layer of plastic has been removed from my thinking. I can read better, I feel more motivated. All with just a relatively small adjustment in medication. And we're still planning on going down further. I just suddenly feel like more is possible. I feel like I want to study for step one. I feel like I can do it. And that I want to put in the effort.

We'll see. I'm trying to take it slowly. But its hard when it feels so exciting that I might get my life back. Maybe.

a sad day

Today was my grandmother's funeral. It was a lovely service. It brought people together in a completely unexpected way. But as only Cooley family gatherings can, it brought both a sense of closeness with a paradoxical distance. It reminded me of the ties that are still here in California and always will be here. It stirred up the pull of familial relations - especially those that are unresolved in one way or another. And it brought up the inevitable questions of what I will leave behind if a family remains out of reach.

I feel like my family wanted to explain my life these days in a soundbite that I just couldn't bring myself to give. I couldn't make it simple for them and ended up feeling emotional about trying to say that our life is hard. That its hard to feel like I have failed at medical school. I needed to say that I worry about asking too much and expecting too much from my husband. And that I don't know what my life will become and that I find that unbearably scary and unfair all at the same time.

But at the same time, today is not the day for tears about my own life, but tears about the life that was lost. And maybe for the first time I am certain that she loved all of us. And maybe that should be enough for today.

time to move on

Its time to move to Chicago. Well, not really until May, but I will be ready to go. I really can't stay in a place where my identity is tied up with my failure. I love my med school friends, but it reminds me constantly that I can't have the life that they complain about. I would give anything to be passing the courses they complain about not honoring. I need a fresh start, somewhere where people will stop asking me why I'm not finishing med school. Its getting too hard.

At the same time, I worry about moving somewhere where I have no friends and where the weather is likely to exacerbate things. It will be good to have family support, but I worry about jobs since I don't seem to be making progress on the job front here.

I can't wait for thanksgiving vaca!

so very, very happy

I will inevitably fill this post with a bunch of trite, cheesy words attempting to explain my utter joy this morning. But there aren't enough to say that I woke up to a new feeling of optimism and confidence that the world is going to be ok. I feel like today this country is a place where I belong, where my voice is actually heard and matters. I don't know that I've ever felt so hopeful - that we might do the right thing for the poor, for the sick, for those who need help. It seems as though all things are possible now, if not easy. I am so very, very happy.

me too

So my husband gets a blog, so obviously now I need one too. I guess it will be a good way to waste some time while waiting for tutoring students that may or may not show. Hence the sewing, the knitting, the pottery.... clearly I need a real job.

I was surprised today by a sudden wave of sympathy for the half of this country (but not me!) that will be profoundly disappointed tomorrow night. Most of the time I believe so strongly that what they want for this world is wrong. Which I do believe. But for at least some of them it really isn't selfishness - they honestly have the same hopes and dreams that I do its just that they believe that those ideals come from doing the opposite of what I believe. The wave of sympathy passed due to the incoming wave of reminding myself that it isn't over yet. Hopefully I will finally be left on the other side of the fence, optimistic and energized. I need to believe that the world is going to be ok.